Medic Class

Two days of what to do when someone gets shot or blown up. Besides the gross photos of things like sucking chest wounds and blown-off faces, there are numerous funny lines from the trainer:
"In case of evisceration, reassure the patient, and don't let him see his guts."
Speaking of evisceration: "If your intestine is working on its tan, that's a problem."
Pulse points: one is the femoral artery, ie, the upper inside of the thigh, but we are instructed to find that one for homework. "Just be sure to let your significant other know what you are doing in advance so they don't walk in and get the wrong idea. This could turn into some quality time for date night."
On estimating how widespread burn damage is, the general rule of thumb is, front and back of torso 18% each, limbs 9% each, head 9%, etc, and re the groin, "Sorry, gentlemen, but it's only 1%. Don't let anybody tell you different."
The class is shown a photo of a severe sunburn on a young woman in a bikini, with the bikini raised to emphasize the contrast between the burned and pale skin. The Socratic instructor asks, "Can you get this at your post?" An unidentified voice replies, "I hope so."
One person speaking of previous jobs refers to a stint as an "aquatics technician." After a couple of questions, this is revised to "pool boy."
We are informed that certain spinal injuries can cause involuntary erections, and that it is necessary to check for bleeding from the rectum as a sign of internal injuries. We are cautioned, though, that unlike broken bones or cavitous wounds, "we don't splint a priapetic incident or pack a rectum." Good to know.
When checking an injured person, if they can talk, find out crucial information. For example, ask what their last meal was, "if for no other reason than you might be seeing it again."